As I strolled around my yard inspecting which perennials were showing the signs of spring greenery at their roots, I thought of how many of our behaviors stay hidden under layers until a change in circumstances brings them out.
One such behavior that we try to keep hidden from those around us is an addiction, which can be oh, so faceted. I became addicted to a three-times-a-day pain killer. Having lupus, a chronic illness whose primary symptoms are inflation and pain, is fertile ground for drug dependence. I never abused the amount I took, but I did abuse my body in its dependance on an opioid, which in turn dominoed into other issues.
Under a doctor’s supervision, I weened myself off of that particular drug. It was hard, very hard. It forever changed my attitude towards others fighting addictions.
In sharing my experience with a friend, he told me what it felt like for him when he was under the influence of his addiction. He painted a picture for me of his daily interactions with family and friends. I paraphrased and wrote a sort of poem to help me understand the feeling of addiction.
Under Water
I jump in the deep end, sweet relief.
Texas in the summer,
I can’t deal!
Sun scorching,
Children screeching, clinging, demanding.
Take a hit, pop a pill, flush my veins.
I’m under water
“Peek-a-boo, I see you!”
Blurry is better,
Softens the stabbing edges.
I kinda see, kinda hear,
“Wa, wa, wa,” a Charlie Brown conversation.
Close my eyes, bury the need
Float to the eventual surface,
Gasp and inhale again.
Sink to oblivion,
Repeat
What addictions are you keeping underground?
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going and my lying down;
You are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
You, Lord know it completely.