Yesterday, I commented to my husband, “I can’t remember when my body didn’t hurt.” I never really gave my body a second thought except for the silly teenage-like angst of, “I’m too tall, I’m too big, I’m too whatever!”
I used to race up and down stairs with my arms full. I opened jars, kneaded bread, sewed by hand, dug in the yard, or walked as far as I wanted without a care. However, now with osteoarthritis, lupus, and rheumotoid arthritis, I’ve turned into someone who on entering a room, scans it for chairs with arms, because sitting and standing has become strategic.
I’ve always been the kind of person who cries and laughs easily. Some call me an empath, or the more critical, a drama queen. However, now I weep in private in case I’m perceived as a complainer. And I search for laughter. I try so hard to not make “disease” define me. I’m not osteoporosis. I’m not lupus. I’m not RA. I’ve become adept at recognizing, naming, and cherishing joy.
Some pops of joy include the following:
1) I have a great niece and nephew from 2 different siblings who on the same day contacted me. They both wanted to spend a few days with Aunt Sheila to learn to cook some favorite Lebanese dishes.
2) A young couple two houses down just had a baby and I joyfully made a flower arrangement for them.
3) With the help of adapted gardening tools, I can still blissfully lose myself for several hours at a time in the garden.
4) Harvesting our own veggies and feeding ourselves meals centered around our garden’s bounty revives in me the joy of “Garden to Table” creativity.
Would I have experienced this same depth of joy if these autoimmune diseases had not visited me? I don’t think so. I would still be working at climbing the proverbial executive academic ladder.
So, yes, I am grateful for the fine tuning pain has gifted me. In response to the New Testament admonition to find thanksgiving in all things, I’m trying!
How has pain made you appreciate joy more?
So, when you pray in your private prayer language, don’t hoard the experience for yourself. Pray for the insight and ability to bring others into that intimacy.